|'Our' Spanish villa: the breakfast terrace|
- Pre-holiday, loftily declare that you will only eat salads and fruit whilst away because 'it will be too hot' to eat anything stodgy. Throw a paddy on day three about having 'arsing salad' for dinner again and drag husband out for paella and chips.
- When packing your suitcase, spend a disproportionate amount of time pondering which craft projects to take. Luxuriate in the prospect of 7 whole days stretching ahead of you where you have nothing to do but sit around and stitch. Happily fill your case with 30 (only small!) balls of yarn and a selection of hooks (in case inspiration strikes). Wake in the middle of the night feeling mildly ridiculous for having a case full of yarn and remove it all except two. Spend entire holiday pining for the stuff you left behind.
|Knitting, but I wanted to crochet my sunburst blanket. Sad face.|
- If your suitcase doesn't have a 'heavy' sticker slapped on at check-in, you've forgotten something.
- Don't let being on a remote mountain in Spain curb your spending or IG habits. 3G capability will enable you to maintain peak performance and return home to a sackful of lovely things including yarn, embroidery thread, books and bags.
|The shopping hub of Frigiliana.|
- Pack six dresses but only wear two of them. Pack a similar amount of t-shirts and wear just one. Resolve to take fewer clothes next year.
- Buy a hat at the airport, forgetting you look middle-aged and dumpy in them.
|Obligatory departure lounge hat purchase.|
- Burn legs, arms and chest in the sun on day one and spend the remainder of the holiday in the shade. Watch dispiritedly as all tanned skin peels off on the weekend that you're home and return to work on Monday as pale as when you left.
- Spend at least 30 minutes per day dancing around in bikini bottoms, wafting away a variety of insects. Yell occasionally for good measure.
- Ice-cream o' clock is 3pm. Bacardi-coke o'clock is 6pm and hourly thereafter until you start to feel dizzy.
- Cover entire body in thick layer of insect repellent before bed and realise, in the nick of time, that you are asphyxiating your husband. Hastily open a window. Repeat each evening.
- A flip-flop in the hand makes an excellent insect swat. Havianas are particularly springy and produce a satisfying whack noise.
|The view. Look, no neighbours!|
- Remind husband several times a day that swimming in the pool is no substitute for a shower with soap.
- Accept that there is no way to mount a lilo elegantly.
- Bikini bottoms become looser when wet. Discover this when inadvertently flashing husband upon leaping into the pool. (Prepare self for lots of wheezy laughter from husband and resist temptation to punch him.)
- A tiled floor becomes very hot in the midday sun. Temporarily forget this and deliver drink to your holiday companion bare-footed. Perform impromptu comedy dance and resist temptation to throw said beverage over husband as he doubles up with laughter.
- Deal with the fact that reading outside (with a boozy drink) as the sun sets will feel like a distant memory the second you download your first work email. Start planning next year's holiday.
|Reading by sunset. Perfection.|